Paying it forward: living the Zen life

***commenters from last week, private and public, I will be addressing you tomorrow when I get back into the foray of politics 2008, was waiting for the Dems to get their nominee sitch squared away. If anyone still wants to discuss ‘gender wars’ we can do that also. I do have a few words re: a link in a private comment ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from venus’ : ) fun stuff, that.

Today’s entry…

Awhile back, I received words that changed the way I think about me and my life. Many pals might see outward change, many may not. They may or may not be looking, luckily most of my peeps just dig me no matter what, I have been fortunate that way.

Anyway, in honor of this one action that led to me and my change, I thought I’d poke my usual Zen mind my own business nose into someone else’s life, only if it would be helpful.  Being somewhat Zenish by nature, I usually tend toward the ‘talk therapy’ way of letting pals come up with their own solution by yakking till their face turns blue, me asking a few questions. It seems to work. So, then I second guessed myself, (oh but, what if they didn’t really want my help?) Bravely, I forged ahead anyway…

One friend has claimed for months to want to lose twenty pounds, so after hearing her lament the story one more time…instead of doing my usual Mona Lisa smile and waiting for her to move on to something else, I said, ‘ok’ and I walked over to her fridge and asked for a garbage bag and started tossing everything processed and just plain not good for you.

She laughed and gave me a look. Then I said, ‘give me $40 and you’ll be eating the Zen Lill Raw Diet starting today.’ (She doesn’t cook. at. all.) We went to the store and shopped the outside aisles where all the fresh foods are and came back with enough last her 4-5 days. I walked her through how to mix it all up for variety and eating pleasure. I saw her a week later, she was wearing a top she claimed she couldn’t wear in several months and she never felt hungry or deprived (I’m sooo not into deprivation just in general principle). Cool. Done. Payed it forward…

This next one is great, I went to visit a pal and she wasn’t quite ready, what else is new and usually I just hang out in her vibrating recliner chair, she’s got a monster master bedroom. She was busy goofing around with her hair; her hair is curly and awesome and no matter how much futzing she does, it looks exactly the same to me: fantastic!

This time I cruised her massive closet and casually asked, ‘dating anyone?’

‘No, and besides I have nothing to wear on dates.’ I smirked.  

I picked up a dress and said, ‘yeah, you’re right. What’s this? Please tell me you won’t wear this to meet me, ever’

She laughed and said, ‘what? It’ll come back’

‘Yeah, and so will dinosaurs if we wait long enough.’

Ditch it, babe. Next! …a nylon skirt with butterflies on it?! I laughed, ‘Please tell me you were high when you bought this.’ I’m not one to mince words anyway, but I’ve walked through this particular closet for years and there’s a lot of the same shit plus more in there, and frankly, it scares me. Who needs twenty seven pairs of pants, not including jeans??  

She claimed that she was purging: one piece at a time. ‘OK’ I countered, ‘well, I can point out at least ten pieces that can go now without even thinking about it,’ and I pulled them. She hemmed and hawed and then threw them in a bag. Yes! We had to go out at that point but I said let’s schedule a day when I can help you take out half this crap and make it easy for you to find something to wear, maybe even on a date : )

I received a text message the next morning, ‘just purged nine bags of clothes and I’m not even done yet, thanks’

I sent back, ‘get em’ in the car and over to Goodwill now!’  

Small things, true, but they both feel great about themselves, out with the old and in with the new, whether it’s clothes, pounds, attitude, etc…it’s just never too late…

What have you changed lately??

PS Bear with me re: pics, I have a new computer and I can’t even find the pic I’m tired of…will figure out my new machine today I hope : )

 

 

 

Gender Wars: Who rates? Anonz, hey…you here or where?

* Ed, thanks for your lengthy comment I will be weaving its content and my take into the fabric of this entry. Yoo hoo, the prison thing was a joke, or ‘taking the piss’ in Brit-lish, can you handle that?! Also, I much prefer your sofa scene to mine, so now you see even further what I’ve been dealing with, eh? Thanks for the empathy in that regard! & your one word evaluation is on the money…along with…tell you after the post : ) Never sat across from a wussy, not my style, I only date alphas, wussies can’t handle me!

**Anonz, where are you, sweet pea? I do hope your well, and I do wish you’d comment here and give your take on my content and what Ed, my personal but now retired ‘armchair therapist’ had to say about the genders.

For those of you who do not know or remember Anonz (Um, I erased his comments, what a biagge, huh? Lucky for me he’s not vain or needy and didn’t care), he was my personal ‘change agent’ and he didn’t even know it, yep, he gave me the kindest ’snap out of it’ slap in the face anyone could’ve ever given me and I’m so thankful for that. It’s something he can be proud of also. It doesn’t matter that he did it without knowing it, it was the way he worded it that pulled me out of the quagmire. I’m busily enjoying the sunshine now again, and fully involved in the ‘reinvention of Ms Zen Lilli’ he’d be proud, too, as he should be.

Let’s chat about more gender warring…and where men and women rate…

Yes, culture has exploited women, I wonder, is it a conspiracy though? You can say, ‘men are in charge of everything’ but are they? Only if you look at the top of society alone; look downward, there’s plenty of men there also (probably not your hierarchy establishing alphas though). Who’s predominantly in prisons? Most often homeless? Who gets ‘used’ to perform dangerous jobs? 95% of the time: MEN.

Who gets ‘revered’ when the ship goes down: WOMEN. Why? Because men are somewhat dispensable in this regard (historically speaking, men have laid down their lives to do these things, I’m sure a few felt like hopping in the life boat, certainly not the swash-buckling and steadfast alpha though). I wonder if their women were yelling, ‘just remember how proud I am of you, honey” on their way into the lifeboats.

I liked this, Ed: Women are the physically weaker sex. Just the way it is. Just like guys can’t have babies (which doesn’t stop them from acting like one)…hahahaha…could not stop laughing. So, that means we need protection while we’re walking down dark streets. I must be one bad-assed babe then, I have parked and walked into South Central to see a ’safe house’ domestic shelter up close. I wasn’t concerned, but I did wear black and hid my blond hair a bit. Under normal conditions though, I imagine that’s the case.

I think all of my friends and would prefer to hear ‘I love you’ and ‘I will protect and provide for you’ (to a greater or lesser degree, I have many successful in their own right pals, yes, serious working women) but maybe you’d consider that high maintenance?!

Not sure I totally get your egg/sperm 2 day/2 week bonding theory, might I ask you to clarify, I’m not stupid but it’s a bit unsound, just asking for a supporting statement or two or ten : )

You make a point that men often do get blamed for a relationship gone wrong, Ed. I can only speak for me: I don’t blame one person, takes two. We’ve had some painful convos about that, along with the apologies, and all that. Anonz’s slap in the face made me have to face what I did not want to: I f**king failed. I hated to do it, but I’m over the meltdown now and onward…gotta get going, I have chosen my new business opportunity – ah – there’s that other component I want before I do anything drastic: financial freedom. I want it so I can actually say, I don’t need you to write me a check, I can handle it all on my own, wish my luck with this endeavor, it’s time to ‘woman up!’

I’ll be posting tomorrow briefly, it’ll be a video of Darfur, it’s incredible in its content and its cinematography and this great lady is allowing me to use her ’still photos’ to promote my ‘Darfur’ event next week. I also may have jury duty (oh joy, groan) next week, but that’s where even a decrepit laptop comes in handy : ) Have a groovin’ day

Gender Wars? Ed this is for you…

Oh Ed, thank you so much, you know I never knew any of what you suggested and it really works…OK, sorry, could not resist, my little ‘armchair therapist’ : )

Let’s go through this part…your words in bold, mine in italics, let’s have fun with this. I will also add that you are wrong on several assumptions, I won’t get into who supports who (was working, currently looking, spent two years in Singapore furthering his career so I took time off upon return, is that OK with you? have you read my whole blog or just selective entries?), how our sex life is/was (that’s NYB), and etc…that would involve me revealing him, I don’t mind revealing me, but that’s my personal choice. I won’t make that decision for someone else. he knows I LOVE to write, he knows the address here, why hasn’t he tuned in? I can’t answer that. Too Busy, too tired, too um, arrogant maybe, not entirely sure but that’s the case…read on, sweetheart, and you should feel honored, I rarely post twice in one day but an appt got cancelled…

So let’s play with this a little either way….Do you feel seen and heard by your husband? A very cliche question…but cliches evolve for a reason. Bear with me.

No, and I have even fed the words I’ve wanted to hear on numerous occasions, given nicely of course, I was trying to get through…zzzzz can you say flatline? I’m not making light of the sadness or fear or anything else that I sometimes have and do feel, but when is enough enough?

Does he let you “empty the trash” at the end of your day without interruption, problem solving, or expecting a point to your stories?

No, ’nuff said, and by the way we rarely got that far bc it was almost always a hub-centric convo, ah well…

Have you told him about how sincerely proud of him you are when he does something for you? Yes, any further clarification needed, Ed? If you have time to blog my guess is he is paying the bills so you can have free time. Are you acting entitled or appreciative of that? Wrong again, Ed. Entitlement is a pet peeve next to double booking appointments, I think not! I cannot emphasize enough as a man how much we need a woman to let us know we are winning with her with every thing we do for her. Everything! I’m well aware of this, just as every woman over the age of sixteen is, we’ve been reading Cosmopolitan, etc…and books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, way the heck before you even heard of it, trust me : ) did that for a loooonggg time.

Men are extraordinarily capable of being in an intimate relationship, and a man will remain in one if he thinks he is winning. Ok, yes, knew that also, it’s a dream of mine, we should be at the tantric sex stage at this point and man, we’d both be big winners then.

Have you ever “waited for the well” with a man? What that means is this…Ask a man a question and see if you can wait 30 seconds before interrupting his answer. If it is short, keep waiting and see what happens. Oh yes, in fact, I’m quite good at this particular ‘duty’ and it’s lead to long dissertations, a little word interplay given with some/any emotion would be good, have lead that nicely also, ‘how did that feel when you did that?” etc…

Ed, listen, I know you’re trying to be helpful but seriously, there NOTHING you could throw up here that I have not tried and not just once, but many many times, 13 years is a long time, you’re right. If he tuned in he’d probably even tell you that I’ve been supportive, a good listener, all that goes with marriage, to beyond the call of duty. He simply has fallen down and cannot get up in a sense, i feel for him, but holding patterns are not my deal, not six years or more of it…lack of interest has set in…

Please stay tuned for the follow on to the Gender Wars…and maybe you should read this blog and my last blog’s entries in their entirety, it’s a bit unfair to therapize me without good background knowledge, am I right?

Oh, as an adolescent, my pals named me Queen Bee, went by Bee for a while till Flo (as in go with the…) set in and now it’s resurrected itself, but, Ed, that’s the draw for the regal alpha male king, he wants his queen. And I do it well, without being a snobby bitch about it, I’m just me, casual, and cool. No pretense, no entitlement…

To everyone else, sorry for the TMI, but I can’t be called out and not respond, can I?

Gender War?

Before this alpha woman just says, ‘Bring it onnn….’ let’s kick some male ass : ) I thought maybe we should discuss a few things, like what is an alpha, male or female? And why do terms like ‘gender wars’ and ‘the battle of the sexes’ even exist? And is it really plausible to think that one gender is better then the other?

The truth is we’re all great, just at different things, using a different approach. Why is that a ‘war’ or a ‘battle’? Personally, I think a most unfortunate premise that has trailed ‘feminism’ is the idea that men and women are basically enemies, covert enemies. Why not harness and utilize male/female power to ‘partner and support’ vs. ‘exploit and manipulate’ each other in actions and in personal attitude and in running the country?

I read this about alpha females: The alpha female is pretty exceptional,” says columnist Polly Toynbee. “There are not a whole lot of people trying to be like her, whereas there are a lot of men behaving in the same way, clambering over each other to reach the top of the tree. Those women who do get to the top are mavericks, hybrids and deny that they are like other women. Women do not like alpha females very much, nor do they want to be like her. Women want to be liked, which holds them back.”

We want to be liked, how sweet, and how true. But, do true alpha women really care what others think of her? I can only answer for me, I want people to like me, sure, but I don’t seek anyone’s approval. A. you dig my being or B. you don’t. I don’t do any urging, begging, or anything remotely resembling that, and yet, I am excellent at building large shallow networks also (and the people in them actually like me). Therefore, in ’social networking’ I’m equal to a man, in ‘intimate relationships, I’m probably better than a man but not because I believe a man doesn’t want to be, alpha females are just wired for both (we just kick ass, don’t we?).

I think (generally speaking) women tend to be better at (wired for) building the intimate one-on-one relationships while men are better at (wired for) building large, shallow and more ‘useful’ networking type relationships, thus making it look like we ‘fawns’ take care of the house while our ’stags’ are out earning respect amongst other males, and if beating their chests with each other helps establish this hierarchy, well so be it, they don’t much care who likes them for it. Pretty much what they have their fawn for, right? To like/love them.

Yes, but what’s a fawn who knows how to ‘work a room’ supposed to do? If you’re an alpha female and if you have the ability and the motivation: Do all of it and like it!

Alpha women – what a lucky lot. I cannot imagine it any other way though : )

Tomorrow, a little historical perspective on why men dominate, oh, everything, or so it seems…